If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
