I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
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