On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
