If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
