I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
So squirting runs in the family.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
He? As in you personified your dick?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
