i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
