i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
