I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
it's like iHOP with fire
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
They are going to name an STD after you.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
