wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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