shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
