they need to just BURY HIM!
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
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