Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
