i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
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