because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
