I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
i wish my penis had a tongue
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Come on in and take your pants off
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