i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Randomize
