can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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