I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
