Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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