Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Randomize
