I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Randomize
