I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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