just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
