Do you still have your period?
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
