Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
