70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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