Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
