'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Randomize
