I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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