i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
