I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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