it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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