If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
