Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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