she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
