I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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