dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
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