omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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