im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
