By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
