when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
He better not be in your backpack
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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