Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
