Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
