Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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