last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Randomize
