Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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