I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
