She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
