the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
