I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
