your parents love me but you hate me
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Randomize
