I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
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