Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
